In marriage, little things can stir up intense emotions, like hurt, disappointment, loneliness and not feeling loved or respected. These are feelings we have experienced before, and have brought into our present relationship. The only person who can cause these feelings to arise, and the only person who can heal them, is our partner.

When our partner sees a situation differently, and is unable to acknowledge our pain, it can cause disconnection in the marriage. Often couples who handle crisis situations well, can struggle with the little things, like acknowledging a partner’s pain or discomfort. Doing this, even if you don’t understand your partner’s perspective is crucial.

Some partners will keep trying to make things better to help their partner feel better, but this can be difficult when the person in pain feels like their partner has changed. Changing actions is important, but it can still trigger a negative reaction in some cases. Partners want their feelings to be understood, rather than to be judged or rejected.

In addition, each partner should make an effort to take responsibility for what they may have repeatedly done wrong. One helpful tool is to regularly express to your partner something you did that you feel wasn’t helpful to your relationship, while acknowledging something the other person did that was helpful. Sometimes it’s hard to express these kinds of feelings, but looking at and expressing yourself is important because how each person acts and feels affects the relationship.