Would you like to transform fighting from being hurtful to being a catalyst for intimacy and connection? Below I lay out a powerful framework to do that.
First, it’s important to understand why we fight.
The Mindset of Healthy Fighting
Having conflicts in your intimate relationship is inevitable. The difference between couples that have happy long-lasting relationships and those that don’t begins with the partners mindset in conflict.
How to Fight Better
The way that we start fights is the way it tends to end. What matters most is not that we have conflict but how couples repair together.
Typical Fighting Patterns
Tolstoy wrote, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” The research on relationships shows that the opposite is true. Unhappy couples are often stuck in similar patterns that prevent them from emotionally connecting to create the happy, long-lasting relationship they crave.
The Four Horsemen
By studying thousands of couples for more than 40 years, Dr. Gottman was able to predict with a 90% accuracy whether a marriage would end in six years or not. The Four Horsemen represent four signs that a relationship is struggling.
Resolve Your Conflicts
There are two types of conflicts: Unsolvable and solvable conflicts. In fact, Dr. Gottman’s research shows that 69% of conflict is unsolvable. This is not a problem if you learn to communicate and work with the unsolvable problem. The unsolvable problem can actually bring you closer together just as solving your solvable problems can.